MARILYN ANONA writes: One day you are married, the other day you are single and in grief. But you should learn to cope with this situation because whether we like it or not, it will always happen. Nothing lasts forever.

POSHMARILYN

POSHMARILYN

A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME WHEN A LOVED ONE IS GONE! We should never pray to experience this. For me its the most painful thing to happen to someone especially at a very young age. We don’t choose what happens to us, if we are able to choose none of us will be poor, ill or jobless. None of us will die. But life has a way of just serving us the worst food. You fall in love with the best man or woman and you get married. Life is so beautiful and full of promises, you get pregnant and give birth to a beautiful daughter. Then a year and six months after the wedding precisely on Easter day, robbers attack your home and the life of your beloved husband was taken in the process, did I hear someone say GOD forbid? Yes! GOD forbid indeed. Now your husband of just 18 months dies leaving you a widow at 23 years with a daughter and to add to the pain, this happened on Easter day when other families are busying making merry and enjoying themselves. Life!!! In 2012, I met this man and thought he was a very weird fellow because I could not understand him. But along the line, I came to understand why he behaves the way he does. He lost his wife of just 4 years in such a devastating manner. According to him, on a certain day, he had gone to work already and after some hours, he got a call from his wife who was crying over the phone that the house was on fire and then the line went dead. In shock, he left the office and headed home but unfortunately before he got home, the devil had succeeded in playing a fast one. Nooooooo! Calm down, the house didn’t burn *sad face*. The house was in tact with no signs of fire. The young man came back to meet his wife’s blood all over the place. It happened that when the place wanted to burn, the man’s kids and house maid were able to use the staircase but before the wife could make it to the door to use the stairs too, smoke had covered the whole place so she tried to come down from the rail as they were residing in one of those high rise buildings in Wuse Abuja, she had a towel wrapped round her because she was in the bathroom before this whole thing started. Now trying to come down the building through the rails, her towel got loose and she tried to tie it up and that was how she crashed on the ground from the 3rd floor. Very terrible!!! Then is it the case of losing your spouse in an ordinary domestic quarrel a situation where one pushes the other and that’s the end. It could also be an illness, it could be car accident. Which ever way it happens, the death of a spouse is terrible and could be so traumatic even throughout life. Its more painful when one is starting life. Death at all level is painful but you can’t compare losing a spouse after 30years of marriage to losing a spouse after 2years to 10years of marriage. Its a very terrible experience. I pray that none of us experience it. One day you are married, the other day you are single and in grief. But you should learn to cope with this situation because whether we like it or not, it will always happen. Nothing lasts forever. Losing a spouse can change your entire life, especially when he or she was also your best friend. You feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. The bed feels big and you hug the pillows for comfort. But something inside you tells you that you can survive! And oh yes, you will survive!!! There are so many things to do to ensure that you survive this ugly experience and come out strong. Its okay to cry, yes cry as much as you can but don’t go weak because at times like this, you really need your strength. Don’t wallow in self pity because not all sympathizers are genuine ones. Some say sorry but are very happy that you are sad so don’t give room for such. Brace yourself up, especially in the typical Nigerian setting where widows usually have in laws to deal with. To ensure that you survive the death of your spouse, you should first of all fulfill their death wish if there was any and if there wasn’t, you should find a way to honour them. Could be a decision to abstain from sexual intimacy for a certain period of time. This will ensure that you move on with peace of mind. Its very important that you know it will take a while before you get back to normal. Be patient with yourself as you work through the process of grief. Grief is a journey that lasts as long as it takes to reconcile all issues pertaining to death, your spouse, yourself, your relationship to bring peace and understanding.
During your grieving or mourning period, some people will try to make you believe you are not mourning properly. The truth is, we all have different ways of mourning and though there are standards in our traditional Nigerian society but don’t let anyone work you up. Abide by the stated rules and all will be fine. So if there is any rule or traditional practice that says you have to cut your hair etc, please do it for the sake of your spouse. Another way to ensure you survive this period is to think of those things you wanted to do but never did. For example, you have your degree and even masters and have never worked even though you wanted to be couldn’t because your husband won’t let you work, now is the time to go get that job. Step out and do that which you have always wanted to do. It could be acting, or anything. Go out and do it. Finally, in all of these processes be patient. It won’t take a day to adapt. But with time, everything will be fine again. This post is dedicated to all the people who have lost their husbands or wives… Its not the end of the world. You will smile, laugh and love again. I love you all. Be Enlightened! Be Inspired!! Be Motivated!!!

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12 thoughts on “MARILYN ANONA writes: One day you are married, the other day you are single and in grief. But you should learn to cope with this situation because whether we like it or not, it will always happen. Nothing lasts forever.

  1. So sad bt life goes on though, dis sinful will never present us a perfect way to match on bt with d grace of GOD,we shall overcome. Am a testimony of my dad’s sudden death while I was 8 n it wasn’t an easy or convenient experience to witness cos loosing my dad at dt time made my life a bit complicated bt I’m still thankful for whom I am today,bt its never a decent for any child to loose any of his/her parent at a tender age just like me. 😦

    • Thanks Emma. I am so sorry about your dad. Believe me I perfectly understand. I have that experience too. My dad doesn’t even know his mom and when he tells us all he passed through growing up I just feel terribly sad. But life must go on like you said. Do have a blessed day.

  2. Death of a spouse in a relationship/marriage is not an easy situation to deal with,moreso when kids are involved. You’ve pointed it out very clearly and your suggestions are valid. Very helpful post and may we never find ourselves in such a situation, amen. Well done PoshMarilyn.

  3. I still feel sad because of a very recent experience of my friend. Really, if only we were to choose! But just as tomorrow always comes without our efforts especially for those who will eventually see the tomorrow, I believe God who makes this possible will always bring succour for pains experienced from such scenarios in line with this piece. We only need to trust God who will handle it best. #As God lives, it is well #……..smh

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