Does having a child out of wedlock devalue a woman?

POSHMARILYN
POSHMARILYN

I was trying to take my sunday siesta when I got a call from Nonso, I quickly answered the call and was alarmed to hear her crying from the other end of the line. She could hardly speak to me. I tried hard to calm her down to no avail. The line went dead, I called back and got a very sad news. Nonso’s fiance has called off their engagement. Ah ah! This came as a huge shock. I asked why and she said because she told the guy she has a child out of wedlock. Hmmmmmm! The guy claimed that his family will not accept a woman who has a child out of wedlock as a wife. So the entire family condemned and rejected a woman simply because she had a child out of wedlock. Now my question is, is having a child outside wedlock enough reason to call off an engagement? Does having a child out of wedlock devalue a woman? Please friends, what’s your take on this? Be Enlightened! Be Inspired!! Be Motivated!!!… Marilyn Anona.

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48 comments

  1. Having α child out σƒ wedlock does in anyway change †нε woman or †нε child. Α man choosing ² end his relationship becus †нε woman has α child out σƒ wedlock isn’t been honest.

    • Yes Ikenna, I totally agree with you. No good man will reject a woman simply because she has a child. Thanks for your contribution dear.

  2. In a traditional Nigerian setting and indeed everywhere, marriage is not just between two consenting adults who love each other but it is also a union of two families. Therefore, when a man wants to get married it is important that his choice is “endorsed” by his family and vice-versa. In a situation where the man’s choice is a woman who has a child already, it throws up a lot of questions especially from the man’s family. Who is the father of the child? Will the child be fully accepted by the man’s family especially if its a male child considering that his real father is out there somewhere? Is it possible for the man to love his own children as much as the step child? Etc. Personally, I’ll overlook the question of whether having a child outside wedlock devalues a woman or not because there’s no specific answer to that. It depends on the man in question, one man’s meat is another man’s poison. But the more important reason why I think the man in this post jilted Nonso is simply because of the complications that may arise in the future. There are many complicated scenerios that can play out if he goes ahead to marry Nonso, I’ll leave that to your imagination.
    In conclusion I’ll say nobody wants any complications in marriage and most will try to avoid it as much as possible, but then again is there anything that love cannot conquer? So the answer to your poser lies in the hands of the person involved, and there’s truly no right or wrong answer.
    Once again this a very important issue that you have brought to the fore. Keep it up PoshMarilyn.

    • Thanks a lot Ugochukwu for a very educating and expository contribution. Yes we know that marriage in Africa is not just for the couple but for the entire family.but please would like you to enlighten us further on the complications that may arise getting married to a woman who has a child out of wedlock.

      • One of the very many scenerios that can play out and which may leave a gaping hole in the marriage is this: This guy gets married to Nonso and after years of marriage there is no issue (hypothetically). He takes solace in his step child and loves him/her to no end, treating the child like he would his own. Then out of the blues the real father shows up one day and starts to demand for his child and is ready to fight to any length for custody. Bear in mind that this is Nigeria and many traditions will support his stance especially if its a male child involved. At this point Nonso’s husband won’t want to give up the child because he has come to love the child like his own and has been fully responsible. I’ll leave the conclusion of this scenerio to your imagination, but one thing is certain somebody will end up deeply hurt and heartbroken!

    • ℓ̊ agree wit U̶̲̥̅̊ but in †нε end its †нε union σƒ †нε man απϑ woman №† †нε woman απϑ his family. Peoples opinions changes απϑ if dey get ² know †нε lady dey won’t judge her by her past indescretions

  3. Nothing really wrong wif that…. But the man should even know as soon as they start dating, not when they are engaged, cos that shows the woman wasn’t totally honest to the guy.

    • Thanks Deji. She should have let the man know from the onset of the relationship but this is a situation where she was still geting to know the guy and the guy pops up the question. She wasn’t even expecting the proposal at the time it came but for the guy to suddenly back out because he learnt she has a baby is my concern.

  4. For me it all depends on LOVE,based on the unconditionality of true Love,he could still marry her by forgiving her for not telling him from the start because to me there’s nothing wrong in marrying anyone with kids out of wedlock….but I also blame the lady in question “nonso” for not telling him from the start of the relationship,which would’ve prevented this unseen grief that swelled in silence…& so,I’m really sorry for her right now,because her eyes must be so full with tears,& probably can’t see clearly now…& might be asking herself;is there an eye defect called WATER BLINDNESS?hehe…

    • Thanks a lot Posh Boss. Your point is well noted and that it the ideal thing. People make mistakes in their lives and should not go on suffering as a result. The guy who rejected a woman because she had issues or an issue out of wedlock mayhave been impregnating women and have them commit abortion.

  5. Well I won’t say it devalues a woman, bt some women are fortunate to still find a man to love them and their child,unlike the western world where its not a big deal its is here in our country! Bt its better u give birth to that child cos who knows tommorow! Just my opinion though!

  6. It doesn’t devalue a woman physically, just a little bit morally but dats y lessons r learned and mistakes r made, it takes a mature mind to deal with it and 1 to also accept it. My view is that any1 with a child out of wedlock can be better than those without if they set their minds to it and live a morally sound life

  7. D society we live in plays a key role in such issues. Its not just about d couple, its also about d 2 families… So many things are @ stake here… Having a child out of wedding 2 me doesn’t devalue a woman but ♓:)w come d child.. Out of failed relationship? Carelesness? Dis are d things needed 2 address, b4 they even start 2 talk about wedding, and 4 d guy 2 be aware after they are already engaged is a serious breach of trust from d lady i have 2 say.. Finally on d issues of devaluation, its just our way of life.

  8. A child out of wedlock doesn’t devalue a woman nor change her.Love is all that matters..if he truly loves her,he will 4give her and still marry her.

    • Exactly at Lilian. The guy doesn’t love the woman in question. That’s the bottomline. Thanks dear, for your contribution.

  9. Having a child out of wedlock is not a disease and no child comes to this world by mistake…. The guy that left nonso, is not really in love with her cos love know no barrier…

  10. What is good for one might not work for the other…For me, having a child outside wedlock is not a good reason to call off an engagement, provided I was informed about the child’s existence was brought to my notice at the early stage of courtship…

    On the 2nd arm, having a child out of wedlock does not devalue a woman…anyone who thinks so should also align with the fact that it is not only the woman that has the child…Therefore, the father of the child(wether at large or not) also is devalued.

  11. I don’t think having a child outside wedlock makes a woman lose her value. It is also not a reason to call off an engagement, this solely depends on d situations surrounding d pregnancy, for instance , if a man is sure dt he impregnated a woman he is engaged to, I don’t c d reason y he or she shld call off d engagement

  12. I don’t think it devalues a woman having a child out of wedlock I don’t think its a problem,if I love her so much that won’t be an issue,although I would prefer that the child is a girl not a boy,based on Ugochukwu Mathew’s point of view,I know my kinda person,I will end up falling deeply in love with the child.Believe if its a boy he will follow his biological father,but a girl will be considerate,call me crazy but I used to day dream that my wife will have a girl out of wedlock before I meet her,lolz.seriously. Nice one Miss Posh.

  13. There is nothing wrong with that,is all abt love and understanding,btw the both parties. Besids the woman was not honest,she should ave let the cat out of the bag,long enough b4 the engagement…….

  14. THIS ISSUE IS A RELATIVE ONE, IT DEPENDS ON FAMILY ORIENTATIONS, CUSTOMS, TRADITIONS, BELIEVE AND ALSO INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION OF LIFE AND MARRIAGE,. BESIDES SOME CULTURES REFERS SUCH CHILD AS BASTARDS, AND THEY DO NOT RECIEVE EQUAL TREATMENT AND RIGHT WITH THE CALLED FREE BORN OR TRUE CHILDREN. THAT IS THE IMPLICATION
    IN SOME CASES AFTER THE FOSTER OR STEP FATHERS TRAINING OF THE CHILD, THE RIGHTFUL OWNER MIGHT APPEAR
    IN OTHER CASE GENETICS AND BLOOD GROUP MIGHT CAUSE PROBLEMS WHEN THE CHILD BEGIN TO BEHAVE IN STRANGE WAYS, THAT’S WHY MANY TRY TO AVOID IT

    • Thanks Felix Ubani, its relative! But within you and to you as a person, is it right to jilt a fiancee because she had a child out of wedlock?

  15. Macoy I believe strongly that the reason the guy gave before disengaging his fiance was not enough/ good reason. His actions prove that he was not man enough!

  16. The dude never had true love for the woman that’s why, if he had, he should have accepted it as destiny and endure for a while, then she would surely bear him his own children. Like I always say ” Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.” .. #thanks

    • Thanks Rabiu. Your point is very reasonable. Most people lose out on happiness,trying to find a flawless human being. No one is flawless and even if the lady in question doesn’t have a child out of wedlock, he is not the sort of man that would stand by his woman in trying times. I took note of your saying… We love the rainbow, but it comes after the rain. Thanks and please follow http://www.poshmarilyn.wordpress.com

  17. Marilyn. How are you? U always mention me on twitter to check your blog. Lol. Its really creative and by His grace, with more time and effort, you will be the next linda ikeji.. sorry the best linda ikeji.. lol.

    I know this topic is old but as much as i have successfully controlled myself from commenting (mst esp the shoes one which i love and support cos i knw hw sexy i look on heels but cant afford to use them alot since i dnt want conductor to be cutting me eye) but this topic rly got to me. 😀

    Please pardon any harsh words.

    I understand shes your friend, trust me its enough to make u see black as white but darlin must be truthful. Is it because we are passed the era where parents make sure the bride is a virgin? Is it cos they now understand say body no be wood.. stl no parent will allow their son bring in a woman that alrdy has a child because yes, shes half a woman (or of less value).

    When i see an unmarried lady with a child, forgive me but as mch as i pity her (cos i knw to get husband go hard o), i have this funny picture of a failed abortion plan producing the child cos, be honest dear, no gal would realise shes pregnant n go “yaaay, im gonna have a baby! Whoohoo!” At all.. because she knows the segregation setting in.

    Aside the fact that fornication is a sin against God as your body is a temple, it is also against man, thats no unmarried girl wld say, “daddy me n mike are trying to have a baby, we dont knw what to do again..” (when he never pay bride price???) or openly start romancing a boy (whether or not the parents know the boy is interested in marrying her).

    Now you stated somethn about the boy being selfrighteous as he might have gotten other gals pregnant.. that is precisely why he left her, i mean, the guy can condone u not being a virgin (most times people dont want virgins sef) but he cant get over a lady that has a child with knowledge that a man treated her the same way he had treated all doz oda gals in the past. how he will prolly just say, baby biko just one round eh, i will buy that sagem u asked for n afta much persuasion she agrees only for her to come back 2mnths after and d boys pins it on the other imaginary men she had apparently slept with. Lol (i knw thats not ur frnds case, just teasing!)

    There was a day i was going through my boos phone and i saw a gal read his bbm msg and not reply, i was furious, how dare a low life take the man i hold most high like i used to take all doz pests that year that i wont reply.. kai.. i warned him never to holla anyone again if the person isnt a close friend.. i hope u get the point.

    Finally, i am an honest woman. As much as she didnt deserve what she got(the cancellation), it was her own fault (noone should say the boy doesnt love her). When u mess up, own up. To err is human.. get over it and be most proud of the experience, (or baby, ooh i love children soo much). When did she think was the right time to tell him? i have my own problems too that would make a man selective about marrying me but as soon as i notice he wants to meet my folks to shw his serzness, inshrt befor i agree to date u sef i wld tell u “men.. guy i have this p o.. if u cant date me no wahala!” She should have introduced him to her bundle of joy tey tey so he would know her happiness is nt solely him.. that she has all she needs.. Cos her hiding d child all dz while sends bad vibes off.. i mean if u mistakenly cut off one side of ur hair and regardless of hw mch u hate it, carry it with a smile, less amoumt of people will judge you and some will even admire you. The man would just say “but mumy, the way she loves that child just makes me know shes a good mother..!”

    It makes you less a woman dear, cos its morally improper but if she had handled it like a superwoman no man would have the audacity to insult her cos of it.

    Tanchu! Hehe

    • Thanks so much Tonia first of all for the compliment and secondly for your nice contribution. The woman in question has made a mistake already which I am very sure she regrets all the time but should she constantly face rejection as a result of that? That is the reason for this post! Not to totally condemn people who have made one mistake in their life. Thanks dear for your beautiful contribution and please always visit http://www.poshmarilyn.wordpress.com

  18. Well, how sure are we that Nonso has realized her mistake, if she has, she should just go back to the father of that child and be married to him. U see, we keep having problems in the society because people are not honest and truthful. Believe me, Nonso is not honest. She did it to the first man and could not continue with the relationship, now, she did not even table such complicated issue to the fiance before the relationship went far.

    Devil refuse to tell God that he is sorry that’s why hell is still out there. The day he chooses to be sober and go back to God we will have peace:
    I tell you, if the engagement was not called off and Nonso successfully married another man, she will in one way or the other be disobedient to the husband and be dishonest. Lots of marriages are managing to survive. most of them are not happy in their homes because of pride, dishonesty and lack of respect.

    Women these days know too much and they want to use these to take over headship from men. Please don’t get me wrong, there are some very few exception to this believe, some ladies are humble, they use their knowledge to help their man and at the same time remain under their man, they put heads together and decides on issues with unity just as it was in the beginning. Eve was anxious, she was deceived with the believe that she will know more than God, instead of her to report/discuss with her husband before taking decision she went ahead and took the wrong decision: Let me stop here.

    Nonso’s fiance took the right judgment/decision base on dishonesty. And I want to believe that Nonso’s fiance is from a decent family. Let Nonso be humble suffer from her mistake and at God’s own time she will receive mercy and be pardoned, then she will be great and be blessed. Not trying to hide her mistake. Read about Genevieve Nnaji’s biography.

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